Kissing is an art,they say.Well,it so happened that on one very fine Wednesday evening,Jeroboam asked me out for coffee. Since the day anyone had ever asked me out on a coffee date did not infact exist,I was thrilled beyond words. I rushed home to get all dolled up for this,out of the blue date. By home I mean my studio house where the first thing you meet on your way in are an unmatched pair of socks that were worn the night before because well,our tortem animal is fish. So the feet are always cold. Digressing. Back to getting dolled up. After I threw almost three quarter of my attire on the floor,trying to pick something I haven't taken a picture with on before,I finally settled on a black crop top and a pale pink high waist denim jeans. It was tight enough such that I could feel my belly fat making conversations with the spine. Perfecto! Since I believe I have inner beauty and it outshines the physical,I decided to just wear lip gloss and mascara. Wrong move. The damn mascara found it's way into my left eye,left me cursing on my ancestors for not giving me long lashes and the result was a red eye. Yep! To say that I litrally looked like a Volkswagen Beetle with one of it's headlights broken while the other one dim,is the most accurate definition of how I looked like.
Anyway,since I still felt blessed,I sang to my favourite jam "the eye of a tiger" (I know it's Roar,you can eye roll all you want and still,hakuna kitu utaniambia) as I kept getting ready for my date. Was he going to drive me home and Kiss me just before saying goodnight? I wondered. I imagined him pulling me in gently,pushing aside the three months old weave I had on that smelled like burnt sacrifice and looked like the 'tail of maize' during harvest,he would look into my eyes,finally leaning in slowly and kiss me lightly. His lips brushing mine softly,his warm breath caressing the tip of my lips. Thought of how he would lean back,smile at me,held me tighter and kissed me this time like a hungry lioness,with so much passion and need. I would feel my knees go weak and clasp his shoulders for support,and we would kiss until we run out of breath. Then,he would place his hand at the back of my neck,plant a kiss on my forehead and say "goodnight,Patricia"
Right as I was day dreaming like the fool that I was,the phone rang. Jeroboam😊 "Unakuja ama haukuji? Niko premier" was what was being said at the end of the line. For a minute I thought,maybe he dialed a wrong number. I mean,when you hear coffee,your mind goes straight to Java,at Rupa's mall or The well,at Rupa's mall or any freaking joint at RUPA'S MALL. So I hung up,and called him back. "Hello Jer,where did you say we are meeting again? For coffee? I thought I heard Java" I said with all the confidence I could gather. I mean,my mentor who is infact a crack head once told me to act like a queen if I wanted to be treated like one. So this was me queening.
Jer just laughed and told me to call him once I reached the CBD.Long story short,I had coffee alright,at some joint in town where I had to shout across the table for him to hear me. The place was so noisy since everyone seemed to be in a competition on sipping tea audibly. The horror!The coffee session ended with my eardrums asking me "Why Patricia,Why??"
We left the place and headed to Jeroboam's car. I think he came from the farm and he had dropped off all kinds of farm animals because the stench that greeted me when I opened the car door made my nostrils shriek. Well,my mother taught me to do what the Romans do when in Rome so I sat and opened the window so fast it almost broke. Off we went. Thank God Annex is not that far. So right before I stepped out of the car,My date asked me for a kiss. Well,finally! I thought. He reached for my face,cuped my cheeks and leaned in. My friends,I think I had met a 'man eater' The way he bit my upper lip like it was the meal at the last supper! The way he sucked on it as if I was giving him life! His tongue was wet and he kept on licking me all over Until my mouth was completely engulfed in his. I had met a cannibal😱 My brain was convinced. For a period of I dont know how long,I found myself drenched in saliva,and my lips were burning as if I had fell down from a horse and hit the ground with my mouth.
After that horrifying encounter,I stormed out of the filthy car and ran to the house. Well,the bathroom. Turned on the shower,washed my face like I had been rained on by the black rain I once watched on ' The 100"
No amount of shower gel made me feel any better. Hours later,I sat down on the bed/couch,looked at the pile of clothes on the floor,sighed and swore never to be kissed again. That was the end.
The next morning at work,everybody kept asking me "what happened to your lips? Did you get stung by a bee?" My eye was still red,my lips were swollen and my attitude was of one who had experienced the love of satan. One of the mates said " Are we still celebrating halloween? Your weird make up do is the bomb. Way to go for pulling off the walking dead look"
That is when I made a note to self to see a therapist. I had been scared. Lips were now a new phobia. And so was coffee. Because it all started with the damn coffee!!!!
In other news,my "bluetuz dewize" was on maximum volume the following evening and the song that was on was "Wamlambez" When the universe decides to rub it in your face the fact that,"Yaliyopita ni ndewele hakuna kuganga yajayo" It doesn't show mercy. Anyway,we give thanks to life.
Moral of the story,kissing toads is not just a fairy tale. It is a real life nightmare!!!
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